Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Fucking delicious.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Phone Calls 3

his is possibly one of my most favorite stories.. Whenever guests ask me for an amusing story- this is usually the one I will tell. Well, one night my phone rang and it was an elderly woman asking if we had a restaurant in the hotel (which we do not.) I told her that we did not, but we do have a breakfast bar and I told her the hours. That was not good enough for her, she then asked for the names of other restaurants in the area and the distances in blocks. The area my hotel is in is quite rural and not in a block type set-up. I suggested my favorite mexican restaurant to her, which is up the road from my hotel. The woman's response to being recommended a mexican restaurant was to start yelling in to the phone. Here is what she yelled: "MEXICAN?! I'M NOT MEXICAN! I WA
S BORN IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." It was that night I learned that I am not an american citizen for enjoying a mexican restaurant. Weird. She also had one more little tidbit of joy- "AND WE AMERICANS ARE NOT USED TO THAT KIND OF CUISINE" ... I just stood there with the phone held away from my ear. It took everything inside me not to laugh at her. I wished her a good night and that we would see her on her day of arrival.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The hallway is not a toilet.

This did not happen to me, but to one of our auditors past. The story makes me LOL so freakin' hard that I have to share it with you . This happened last winter, the previous Auditor was delivering folios one night around 2:30-3am when she came across.. Well, a pile of poop in the hallway between rooms 124 and 125. From the previous Auditor's fecal observation skills, she concluded it fell from a human butt. Anyway she totally put a towel over it and a wet floor sign and left it for the maintenance man to clean up. LOL. I laughed so hard my eyes watered a little when she told me. She even made a log-book entry which I like to share with our treasured regular guests because they don't believe me. So yeah. That is one of my handful of poop stories.

Post Script - The previous Auditor and one of the B-shift girls are convinced the pooper was this not-all-there Canadian gentleman that had checked in earlier that night.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I guess this was an emergency!

Okay, so I'm sure it is common that you dial 911 for emergencies only.. Apparently that instruction must have started after this gentleman was out of school.

July 3rd a gentleman in my hotel dialed 911.. I know this because whenever the three digits of doom are dialed- the desk knows about it- by means of every piece of equipment screaming shrilly. We got a hold of the room via telephone only to find everything was perfectly fine. His wife answered the phone and said her husband was being stupid and dialed 911 to inquire if the fireworks display for the 4th were going to be canceled due to rain.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Phone Calls 2

Anonymous: Thank you for calling the ____ in ____ this is Anon, how may I direct your call?
Guest: Hey- what all comes in your rooms?
Anonymous: Uh... Beds?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

To the jerk in 307

Dear drunk,

You totally did not make any friends tonight. Taking post-it notes off the desk is -not- cool as they are a main source to communicate between the shifts. Just because your drunken friend has been staying here for work and we know him, and like him, is not an excuse to be a giant ass. That post-it note (later recovered) held information about advance deposit rooms for about 20-some days and the workers occupying them had left early. Combined the rooms have a couple thousand dollars worth of nights left unused. It was also SO MATURE of you to take the phone we have on the desk for guest use to dial 911 from it because you were mad that I scolded you. You are *so* cool, dude. [/sarcasm] I am very happy your asses are leaving on monday.

One very fed-up auditor.

Post Script - Grow the fuck up. This is one of the reasons I seldom drink these days.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Excuse me?

The weather outside is a whole -4 degrees. I don't think the numbers matter anymore once you hit below zero. At about 4:15 AM I had this strange middle-aged guy come out to the lobby. He had a request for me. He wanted me to go outside in the cold and start his car for him because he didn't want to get his tushy cold. He had that "women are subservient creatures to men." Screw him.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Craziest night I've ever had, part deux.

Here is the end of the story.

Lets get caught up:

Crazy Guest (CG) goes kuku bananas and the cops and have to taser his ass.

The entire time the cops are speaking to my GM and I CG is just yelling shit, the officer speaking to us threatened to shoot him in the head if he didn't stfu (shut the fuck up) numerous times.

The two officers went to lift him and of course CG plays jelly-legs and starts mumbling about his "medical condition".. The one officer retorts with "COME ON. HE'S JUST STUPID." (After that statement- I knew I had won.)

Anyway, they take CG out to the car and return saying they could not search his room, but we could collect his belongings.

He was staying in rm 104 (I have no clue who the hell gave him a jacuzzi room but my manager was pissed about it.) ... All I can say is BLEGH. (cue retching noises)

The room was hot as all fuck. I think he was incubating in a crazy nest. He had a sock hanging over the peep-hole.. You know, because people can TOTALLY see into the room through the peep hole. The sink was filled with wet towels. (I wore two sets of plastic gloves, by the way) and the ice bags I gave him monday night.. And for some reason a piece of fucking cheese cake. Just floating in the water, having previously been wrapped up in a hand towel. wtf.

This guy was so paranoid.. His laptop even had a thumbprint scanner. I had no idea how to turn it off so I just unplugged it and threw it in a box. I hope the battery died and caused him to lose whatever. He had receipts from other hotels of the same chain as well.. And we found an ASSLOAD of my GM's business cards. She took them all back.. she didn't want him having her name or the hotel phone number.

His son came by sometime during the next day to pick up his father's belongings. I was told he was deeply embarrassed over the situation. I think that fucking family should have bought us some god damned flowers after what that crazy guy put us through. Or a bottle of rum. Heh. Though CG did call my GM about a week or two later, apologizing about what happened and wanting to know if we were going to sue him.

I think we should have sued him. He endangered at least 40+ people's lives that night.

I forgot to tell you we found atleast 15+ bottles of medication, which I seriously doubt that crazy asshole was taking.


Saturday, February 14, 2009

The craziest night I've ever had!

I finally feel comfortable enough to talk about the craziest night I've ever had in hospitality.

It started on a Monday night.. Everyone was already in house so I just got to piss away 8 hours until this man showed up. He was a middle aged, dumpy looking man in jeans and a white t-shirt. This guy would not let me alone all freakin night. I'm sorry. You have 10 minutes tops. Anything more makes me want to give myself a lobotomy. anyway.. This guy will be referred as Crazy Guy or CG from this point on. CG came up to the desk and one of his first questions for me was "Are you a christian?" (For the record- I am not.) But he asked it in such a way... The kind of way where you didn't want to say no. So I told him "yes, sure, why not" to shut him up. He then talks to me about how the lords light is in he and I and he can feel it and all other usual crazy religion talk you tend to hear on audit shift.

Did I mention he would not let me the fuck alone all night? He also got kinda strange if you didn't make eye contact with him the whole time. I had been warned about him from the B-shift. The B-shift said he was a lonely old man who misses his children. Damnit, B-shift! I will no longer acknowledge your judge in character ever again! He was telling how he loves to tinker with electronics and such, and then asked if we were hiring, alluding to that he wanted to work here and live here and pay for his room with manual labor. Don't you just fucking love guests who try that shit? Blegh.. That may have worked in the 1920's, not 2008. He also told me he had to leave his teenage daughter and wife, because his daughter told a school psychologist that she would kill herself is she had to spend one more night with him in the house. (I now understand her feelings and would probably had done the same if stuck in her sitaution.) He said he had come out here to see his son, but wasn't sure where exactly his son lived. He then painted tales of how awesome his son is- all religious and a minister and fun stuff like that.

There was a note about him in our log book stating that he had medical problems, but when I asked him about such things, he waved his hand as if they didn't exist. As the night progressed he said that his muscles would "lock up" (He had told this to the desk when he first checked in.. so we were on the watch just in case.) He asked for ice bags so he could lay them on his arms and legs. I didn't question, I just wanted him out of my hair. I was finally able to do my audit in peace. At this time our cordless phone was not working, so I had to go without a phone when I had to run folios. I locked up the desk and left. I get back down to the far end of first and hear the phone ringing (uncommon for 3am) so I book it down to the desk. It is CG. He was alarmed that I wasn't at the desk and said he had tried to get back behind the desk. Weeeiiirrddd. Anyway- he came back out, bothered me again, and left at 5am. Finally. I warned the A-shift of what happened and then went home to sleep and come back in Tuesday night.

Oh, Tuesday night. That night was when shit hit the fan. I came in to see the B-shift and my GM sitting behind the desk. Weird. The way our desk is set up is you walk in through the front doors, see the desk on the right.. If you go past the desk there is a hallway that leads down to the high numbers of first floor and the elevator/icemachine/vending/ etc. CG was standing around the corner by the vending machine. I said hello to him and he gave me a look I can only describe as "crazy mad".. If you've ever had someone who is not all there upstairs be upset with you and give you that look of "glowering".. Then you know what I mean.

The B-shift and my GM filled me in about what happened.. I guess he went up to the desk once more to talk to the GM and Exec HK about his "medical problems" saying his legs would lock up and that *We* would have to straighten his limbs out. Tough luck buddy, we're calling fucking 911. We told him we would not touch him, no one was trained to deal with such things. This did not please him. He got a little unhappy and said he hates 911 and police and last time an ambulance came- they threw him on a stretcher and "it hurt". (Poor baby.) He was unhappy with us, my GM more than anyone for whatever reason. That happened around 5pm I guess.. He had gone to his room and then came back with a tale of "someone was in my room" and then asked what the gun laws were for the state. The B shift asked him if he had any firearms with him. He said "yeah, two handguns in my car" At that point my GM knew she wasn't going home tonight.

CG stood around the corner and pouted, The B shift eventually left but not before going all therapist on his ass "Are you on medication? Have you ever thought about being on medication?" ... Don't poke an angry crazy guy. They get even more angry/crazy. An hour goes by, I kill time and work on this stomach ulcer I've started. CG comes out to the desk, says the game is up, he wants to talk to my boss. I get my GM from her office. Then it gets weird.

CG says the most brilliant thing I've heard in a long time: "I may be crazy. But I'm not stupid." Um... yes you are, you bastard. You are pretty stupid. He then claims someone has been in his room, that he sees people and cars inside the hotel. Then he demands we take him to his son. He is also stuck on repeat, saying "this is not a game"... That has become a trigger phrase for me. it cues Vietnam-esque flashbacks of this incident. Haha. He threatens us to take him to his son. He says he'll call his daughter if we don't do what he says. Hah. My GM says she got in contact with his son, and told him his son doesn't want to speak to him. CG doesn't even know he's a grandfather by the way.

Cue me calling two of my large burly male friends to come just in case shit goes down before the cops get here. As I call the police- CG decides then is a fantastic time to start throwing stuff like one of his two cellphones over the desk, a box of tissues and a few other objects. My friends arrive 20mins later. My GM says for me to call them and tell them to hang out outside- because their presence may irritate CG and he may go for his guns. About an hour passes- my GM tells me to go outside, have a cigarette and fill in my friends on what's going on.. To this point they have been oblivious except for the fact that if I need them it is bad news.

I go outside, but keep the desk in view, just in case. I start telling my friends about what's going down, then the cops show up. The cops immediately think my friends are the ones causing trouble. I point to the fat fuck inside, they ask what exactly I want them to do with the guy I start along the tangent of "ARREST HIM, KICK HIM, SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD, GET HIM THE FCUK OUT OF MY HOTEL I DONT CARE"

The cops go inside, I cling to my one friend and smoke a cigarette and go back in to see crazy guy sitting on the floor in cuffs. I get back behind the desk to find out they had to taser CG.. One of the cops was leaning against the desk in disbelief muttering "The taser did nothing!" (Fun fact: it was also the first time they tasered someone). Well, I'm going to finish the story up and give you the cliff notes: they found a knife on his person and two handguns without permits in his car. He left the hotel in cuffs. I'll tell you guys another time about my GM and I having to retrieve his belongings from the room.

To be continued..

Friday, February 13, 2009


With this story I should probably supply some backround information.. I have facial piercings. I used to wear them in at work but decided to have a more "professional" appearance (whatever that means).

A car rolls up under the car port and this large, hairy disgusting beast of a man emerges from the vehicle and lumbers inside. He was clad in sweatpants, a sweater and a wifebeater over the sweater. Upon closer inspection- the sweater was actually just body hair. Ew. He wants a room, easy enough. In the process of checking him in he decides to ask me about my facial piercings. Just small talk, you know- such as how long I've had them, why I have them, if they hurt. I get questioned a lot so it truly doesn't bother me anymore. Well, as long as you ask me about them in a respectful manner. I thought he was done asking about my jewelry but he had one more question for me.. It was "So.. Do you have any other piercings? .. Underneath your clothes?" .. What the hell! Imagine the greasiest, fattest, hairiest bear asking you a question like that. Also imagine yourself as a young woman for shock factor. I gave him a look of disgust and said in a stern voice, as if scolding a child, "Sir. How dare you ask a woman something like that. You do not ask a lady anything like that! Or anyone anything like that! Here are your keys. Goodnight." He looked down, took his keys and slumped away. I didn't hear one peep from him after that.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Phone Calls

Anonymous: Thank you for calling the ____ in ____ this is Anon, how may I direct your call?
Guest: Hey.. I have a question.
Anonymous: Ask away.
Guest: So.. What all can you do in the rooms?
Anonymous: Uh... You can sleep?