Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Phone Calls 5

Phone: *RANG* *RANG*
Anonymous: Front Desk, This is anon. How may I help you?
Guest: ......Hi anon....
Anonymous: Can I help you?
Guest: ........Do you think 5:10 is too early for a wake-up call?....
Anonymous: I'll set that right away for you.
Guest: Thank you.
Anonymous: Have a good night.

He said it all creepy. All I have to say is: wtf.

Monday, September 14, 2009


This really trashy couple comes in wanting a room. First thing out of his mouth is inquiry about employee discounts. I asked him what hotel he works for. He said a hotel not even affiliated with my hotel's brand. I told him that. It didn't quite sink in. They then asked prices, I quoted them a rate. I guess they were expecting something in the under $50 range. The couple were shocked at the price, verbally stated their disbelief that I could dare charge them such a rate. They then started to speak amongst themselves, still standing in front of the desk mind you, and decided to "go up over the hill and do it in the woods."

WTF. Ew. Did you really need to share that with me?

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Death of a guest.

So I had to make a new tag for this one. It's one of those weird topics that you don't know if you should express your true feelings because it may sound rude. Eh, fuck it.

So a few weekends ago we had an extremely large wedding party in the hotel. All young adults. All loving the party life. I will tell you more about them in a separate post.

This guest, a lady, was also here for a wedding, though a different wedding than the one previously mentioned. I wasn't around for her death- that happened during the day, well before I came in.

I guess she had been doing badly for awhile. She didn't start "serious business" dying until during the day. The daughter who was staying here called the front desk wanting an ambulance. The front desk girl, Bloom, was on the phone with the 911 operator and still on the phone with the daughter. One frazzled desk agent with two phones held up to her ears. Though luckily the ambulance arrived while she was still on the phone with 911.

It could have been a bad day for the paramedic. It had been a crazy night of drunken wedding guests who all insisted on using the elevator. Well, the elevator needed to be cooled down and had to be shut off for awhile. Though luckily they just got it back up shortly before this whole fiasco started. Just for irony's sake I hope that woman would have been 300lbs if they would have had to carry her down the stairs. Sorry, feeling a mean streak in me today.

Well, long story short, she died at the hospital. I talked to her daughter a few nights later. Her daughter seemed to think her mother knew it was time to go. She came out for a wedding, to see her family. She then said good bye to her family. For good.

And that's the tale of 314, kids.

Also the daughter has no concept of what an ashtray is. She smoked tiny capri cigarettes. Her method of quitting smoking is that a tinier cigarette, such as a capri, is only equal to a third of a "normal cigarette." She would also leave the tiny capri cigarette butts all over the fucking property. It was like you were on the path of a leprechaun with an addiction.

I learned something last night.

I learned what irish men wear under their kilts.

Shamrocks. Booyah.

But seriously kilted guy, thank you for the excellent conversation- You made a happy end to my terrible week.

And now things get a little less than awesome.

I have two hockey teams in the hotel. One is from Canadian. I am beginning to suspect Canadians are just... dumb. They decided to take the elevator up to their rooms on the top floor and thought it would be humorous to hit the elevator distress bell and then start punching eachother. (*facepalm*)
They showed back up in the lobby around 4am and of course I yelled at them. Morons.

Sorry, your auditor is very, very tired. Your auditor has been overworked and it's nearing the end of wedding chaos season. If I get bitched out by one more drunken wedding guest I swear someo- Well, it just won't be very good.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Not my problem

So apparently my hotel stopped offering access to the internet. We only offering the internot. Because no one can connect. (cue the sound of one hollow, bitter 'hah' in otherwise silence.)

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The TV Button?

So this just happened to me tonight. A guest wanted to change the channel on the television in the lobby and this little gem came about.

Guest: Hey.. Do you guys all have a TV button?
Anonymous: A "TV button"..?
Guest: Yeah!
Anonymous: Uh... Yeah we do. it's that little button on the TV that says 'power' above it.
Guest: ...
Anonymous: Oh! You mean the remote! Here you go!

Monday, May 25, 2009

You can't be serious...?

So we have multiple working crews here to work on one of the large warehouse stores around here. It's getting a "facelift." Well the newest crew is here to do tile. The majority of them are annoying as shit- in particular this one big dopey looking guy. Well, he came up to my desk close to the end of my shift Friday morning. Dopey comes up to the desk and says he hasn't had housekeeping services for the past two days and wanted a bath towel. He then asks me to have housekeeping either A) clean the room while he is sleeping. Or B) wake him up so they can clean the room. WTF MAN. I just wanted to yell "Go be stupid somewhere else!!" at him

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

So I accidentally the whole hotel-

And now we have no power.

The best part of all is that it went out during the middle of charging some guy’s american express. Hah.

So I guess the american express accidentally the whole hotel.

Monday, April 20, 2009

I don't understand.

I have had this person almost constantly in my head from the moment I started conversing with them- And I think I kind of hate them for being so interesting to me..

I have actually been missing out on sleep because I want to get up early and talk to them.

Damn you...

..I wish you'd get online.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Sleep? What's that? Also- Billing Nightmare.

Those who know you beloved anonymiss intimately know I have a shit low endurance to everything. Towards the end of this week I think I pushed myself a little too far.

The start:
2pm Thursday.

The end:
Around 1-1:30am Sunday morning.

All on 5hrs of sleep.

Towards the end of it I became very... lucid.. for a moment. Everything was so crazy clear, but I also realized I hated everything. /angst.

After a random call to a fellow anonymous auditor I went back to my room and passed out.

Until about 10am when housekeeping tried to come in to clean... I forgot to put my "Do Not Disturb" sign out! (Naughty me!) Luckily I had the bolt over the door or the poor maid would have witness a very nude anonymiss.

My adventure is not over though! Here is where the meat of the entry begins.. An hour and a half after waking Bloom calls my room to tell me she needs my help- she fucking up the billing on a room and doesn't know how to fix it. This in itself is so fucking weird because Bloom doesn't make mistakes. Ever. And she knows this and was rather frustrated and grumpy while I came to the rescue. There are two different fuck-ups I had to fix- so here's story A:

Just my luck it was Herpes' bill that was fucked up. I think it was doomed for failure since Friday night. I came in Thursday evening to BB telling me Herpes was coming back and he would be arriving at 3am.. Just fucking wonderful. I did my audit at around 1am.. For those who do not know the audit at a hotel is in a nutshell "ending today and starting tomorrow" posting charges on the rooms, resolving any mistakes, delivering bills under the guest's doors, other little shit details. Oh and making sure all of your credit cards are sent to our bank to be charged. A hotel does not charge the cards, it merely puts a "hold" on the amount. That is why it takes awhile for the charge to show up on your statements. Whenever someone checks in after audit we have to think differently in regards to billing you. Our software says it's the next business day so if you want to stay for more than one night your register card (The paper you sign at check in.) will say it is one date less.

Herpes wanted two nights. I checked him in the system for one night and collected cash for two nights. I hate taking cash, especially from his grubby hands. Though he was not as clingy this time. I posted the accommodation charges that would have been posted through audit and forgot about it. Friday night rolled around he wanted to stay another night. I had Swing (my swing shift worker who is here to assist on the weekends) take his money since I was preoccupied with something and the less I have to deal with Herpes, the better. Swing took his money and made two mistakes when it came to billing. The first mistake: posted it as an accommodation. The second mistake: posted the wrong amount. So we had to void out that accommodation charge for the wrong amount and then post the cash that he payed us as cash. Swing then decided we needed two separate windows in billing and moved the incorrect accommodation charges to the second window. I had hit the "I don't care anymore" point of exhaustion and just let her do whatever.

I didn't even think of the audit for Saturday night posting another accommodation charge in both windows for Herpes' billing. Bloom found it at check-out and didn't understand it and tried to negative it out and did a bunch of shit and then for some reason posted some small amount of "imaginary" cash. After I posted the accommodation adjusts to cancel out what she did it looks like he gave her a nickel. So when I checked Herpes out of the system I put that we refunded him a nickel to balance everything. It was a big head ache.

The second problem was just.. dumb. It was a bride and groom, they had their wedding party stay here. They paid cash when they checked out. For some reason Bloom posted the cash as a negative- it looked like we refunded them in cash. Then she accidentally charged their credit card. And the cherry is that for some reason she decided to post an accommodation adjust to cancel out the accommodation charges posted during the audit. I can't even begin to understand the motives behind all that. We got them fixed though.

Though Bloom does win points for wanting to learn how to audit and understand what the audit does for the hotel. And to understand the consequences that I have to deal with when she or any other shift makes a mistake and doesn't fix them.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Fat Momma III

So ends the saga of Fat Momma and her Fat Son. I decided to stop in at the hotel around 10:40am or so (the hotel's check out time is 11am). My fill-in auditor, Janes, was working A-shift so Bloom could spend Easter with her family. I walked into the hotel to see a large woman sitting on one of our fancy chairs (that are usually in the corner of the lobby by the front door) about two feet from the front desk. She gives me a weird look, but whatever. Janes immediately calls me behind the desk to assist him with something our part time auditor forgot to do.

Fat Momma was very, very short- probably around the 250-300lbs bracket but the weird thing is that most of her girth was all in her stomach. Fucking weird. I tried not to stare. So I just tried to ignore her presence.

After she and her stinky large son left- I talked to Janes about what just happened. I was told she was sitting because she didn't want to stand to check out. And after Janes finished his line of people checking out he turned back to face Fat Momma... She didn't even know why she was sitting there anymore. I'm so glad I didn't work that morning.

The weekend breakfast bar attendant filled me on on what happened when Fat Momma came down to pig out. The BBA (breakfast bar attendant) ended up waiting on Fat Momma hand and foot.. Our breakfast is self serve, by the way. Fat Momma consumed (inhaled?) an entire plate of bacon, a plate of eggs, two cinnamon rolls and some other crap I cannot remember. She then tests her blood sugar- in the breakfast bar. We have a class act, ladies and gents. But the best part of all is that she leaves the DIRTY NEEDLE on the fucking table.

I was also told the last night of her stay she complained that the coffee pot wasn't working- so housekeeping took up a different one. And she also ordered a pizza that evening and then complained to Janes that the pizza was terrible... Like it was totally our fault. Little do people know that all hotels have deals with all pizza places for the employees to spit in every pizza that is ordered to the property. (Kidding, but wishful thinking.) My other B-shifter told me that housekeeping found 7 pizza empty pizza boxes in their stinky cave of a room- all licked clean.

And here is the ending to the wallet story:
Later on the day the wallet was claimed stolen- Bloom and other employees saw Fat Son in the breakfast bar with his wallet.

If you're going to scam- atleast don't be a complete moron about it. Good riddance.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

I just realized something!

Fat Momma has the same room the shit grenade had! Ahahahaha!

Fat momma- yet again.

So I wrote about that large woman yesterday.. I've decided to call her Fat Momma. She and her son decided to extend their stay through Sunday.. for the time being. I mentioned briefly in my previous post that Fat Momma and Fat Son have a distinct odor to them.. My A shifter, who I shall call Bloom, told me about them. She received numerous guest complaints about the elevator and hallways smelling like a mix of corpse, rotten egg, and ass. We have to spray down the areas with our heavy duty air freshener every time they pass.

One of our housekeepers went up to clean the Fat room but couldn't due to the smell being so strong it made her nauseous. So we got two other housekeepers to double up and clean the room. They did, and then went back to their duties.

So the first housekeeper is cleaning the room next door to Fat Momma's room and then Fat Momma cranes her fat head out of her door and asks the housekeeper if she saw a black wallet in the room- Fat Son immediately starts to ask "What wallet?" but Fat Momma tells him to shut up. The housekeeper told her "No ma'am" and that she hadn't seen a wallet and then rushed down stairs immediately to tell the Boss Lady about what happened.

After Bloom was done telling me this story I made a bet with her that the next incident involving Fat Momma and/or Fat Son will be a bathroom one. More so of a tub incident.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Full Moon- it figures.

So full moons.. Every hotel fears them- the night shift more than any other. I had retired FBI agent guest talk to me about studies they did about weird shit happening more often around the full moon.

This particular full moon I come into work to hear the 911 alert system going off (Whenever a guest dials 911 from their room- we at the front desk immediately know about it.) And when we receive the notice we have to immediately call the room.. If no answer- we have to physically go up to the room and make sure the guest in question is alright.

This story involves a woman and her son checking in. From what BB has told me they are homeless, and that the son creeped her out. It is kinda bad when BB gets creeped out because the crazy dude who had to be tasered in an earlier post did not creep her out. Weird, right?

They are both fat and smelly. The woman is about 5'5 and well over the 300lb mark. She had to take a rest in the breakfast bar before going to the elevator.

Well, she and he are in a room with two beds- somehow the woman falls and is unable to get up. Cue ambulance. The ambulance crew was amazingly cheerful and upbeat. I was rather surprised. They went upstairs.. Fucking BB would not watch the desk and let me go see fattie getting lifted to her feat. Damnit. The ambulance crew did a "lift & assist" and then went on their way. That is the only thing that happened that night too. Weird, eh?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


So I learned something new tonight. My coworker, The Bad B shifter (or BB for short), hates the color orange. And she absolutely hates that I have been using an orange highlighter to color our room charts for the past couple days. BB even expressed her hate of the color orange to our GM.. With all the shit BB screws up... She really has no right to complain about an orange highlighter.

Maybe her hate of that damned orange highlighter is the reason she did not color any of her check-ins today?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Herpes just keeps coming back.

Here is another story about one of my creepy old man admirers. I've decided to call him Herpes. Like I've stated in the previous post- he is just like herpes.. You want him to leave, but he just keeps coming back.

He appeared again on a few days ago. He came past the desk about four times during my shift- luckily I was busy each time so he didn't hang around. All creepy-like.

I have a few days off, and send the A shift a text message on his day of departure asking if Herpes was leaving that day. A shift replied back with an "Are you kidding? Of course not." Luckily I didn't work that night. I came in the next night hoping he was all long gone by then.. Of course not. Great. The B shift then warns me that he was asking about me. I had learned through my coworkers he has been getting pictures taken with the staff. My response to that is: HELL NO. I'd rather have pens shoved in my eyes and every orifice in my body before I'd let that happen. Or have major surgery without any anesthetic. Or be fucked in the ass every day for the rest of my life. With no lube.

For the first hour of my shift this creepy man will not leave the desk. I do some of my shift work, not making any eye contact with him, hoping he will just leave. He does not get the hint. He then lays his head down on the fucking counter, just staring at me. I, still refusing to look at him, tell him to go to bed since he's tired. His response was that "then he couldn't see me" and he "likes flirtin' wit me" .... Gross. Fucking gross.

A guest then checks in and heads to his room. Herpes then starts talking about the pictures he took of his disabled midget daughter with the rest of the staff and remarked he has not got one of me yet. I politely told him I do not do pictures. He smiled like I was some stupid thing that did not know what I was talking to and said "Of course you do!" He then walked back towards his room as two of my regulars showed up- one was left to check in. I checked in Mr. Regular and was just chatting with he and my other regular as Herpes showed back up with a camera. He had also dragged his midget disabled daughter all the way out from his room and into the lobby. This happened a bit after midnight, mind you.

I told him the answer was still no. He still did not believe me so I had to adopt a very firm tone to my voice and told him I did not want my picture taken and that NO MEANS NO. He and his daughter slunk back off to their room. Honestly though, I probably would have agree to a picture with everyone else but his nasty ass.

I turned toward my two regulars, wrote "That guy creeps me out really bad" on a scrap of paper and placed it on the desk in front of my two regulars as Herpes walked away. I was not sure if Herpes was still able to hear me or not. They chuckled and said if I needed anything to give them a call. I thanked them and bid them a good night. One of the regulars decided to stay up late since he had to flip his sleep schedule for his current job so he kept coming out to the desk to chat. He had stopped out at about 2am and we heard a door open from the end of the hallway Herpes is staying at. Mr. Regular said he'd stay out here for a few minutes in case Herpes came back out.

Herpes did indeed come back out. It should also be noted that whenever he appears he goes outside to smoke. I wish they would just get a smoking room so I would not have to see his ugly face. Well anyway, Herpes saw Mr. Regular and then looked towards me- with an expression of "oh no I've been caught in the act!" on his ugly mug. He then scheduled a wake-up call and went back to his room. I did not hear his door close for about 5minutes. Creepy.

Luckily I didn't see him for the rest of the night and he left later in the morning.

I recorded all that happened involving my picture being taken in our log book and there was an anonymous reply underneath saying that he said he'll be back. Fuck.

This guy is like herpes- you want him to leave, but he keeps coming back.

Every so often (well, more common than I care to admit) I end up with these old men who are for whatever reason smitten by my charm. This guy was here for a funeral and kept going outside to smoke. I had joined him for a cigarette thinking he just wanted to talk. Big mistake. I absolutely loathe when old men hit on me. I just don't understand what makes these men think they're so suave to try to get a woman a third their age. I just don't.. understand. Anyway, it sickens me every time it happens. The first "racy" thing this old turd said was "If I wasn't so old- I'd be flirtin' wit ya" ...But he decided to flirt anyway. Gross. He would say shit like "I'm developing a crush on you" and blow kisses and shit. Uncool. He wanted to talk to be about the bible. And how it cures everything from leprosy to aids to newfaggotry. Fun.

The next day I had pulled a muscle in my lower back due to an unfortunate chair incident at my residence. Ever been in so much pain that you can do nothing but cry? Yeah, that was me. I came into work and just sat against the back of the wall behind the desk. He came down and was talking to my swing shift girl. (Works half of B shift and half of my shift on the weekends.) I was trying to ignore him, but he just would not let me be. Trying to pick on me.. What is it with men having to revert back to being nine years old when they try to flirt with a girl. Fuck that shit.

He was staying at the hotel with his wife and disabled daughter. You'd think that he was single and never made it with a woman. or a man by the way he acted towards me.. But- stranger things have happened. Their van broke down so they were stuck here a few more nights. Much to my displeasure.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Get a smoking room next time!

i've been having to stay late on weekends due to a series of meetings our hotel has been having. So I have just been chilling at the hotel instead of going home. The meetings are scheduled about 4 hours after my shift ends- what's the point in going home and wasting the gas when I'll just get tired and not want to attend the meeting. So I've been bumming around the hotel.

Well a few weekends ago there was a bit of an uproar in housekeeping over one of the non smoking rooms smelling strongly of marijuana. The desk got pretty concerned as the room was a connecting room and the adjoining room was occupied last night.

Housekeeping later discovered the other room had put a towel up to the adjoining door, this alerted the desk to a possible future complaint, so we held a room under the inn in case the guests in the adjoining room complained and wanted to change rooms. Luckily they didn't smell a thing and had put the towel there to block the light that was coming from under the door.

We were talking about charging the smoker a deep cleaning fee when I decided to look on our guest in house list to see who was in there that night. I did a double take when I saw the name- it was one of our regulars! This struck me as hilarious as the B shift will notice the smell of pot on his breath.. Often. (I don't smell our guests.) I am pretty sure Mr. Regular has been staying with us since we opened and he is one of the sweetest, most understanding guests we have.

Anyway, to wrap things up- we decided not to charge him, or mention the whole ordeal to him as it would be quite embarrassing for him. Though from now on we will always ask if he would like a smoking room.

Yet another shitty story

Here is another shitty story.

Ever notice how when a story starts out with "So there was this 400lb woman.." it's definitely not going to be boring!

This happened the spring awhile ago if I am not mistaken. There was this very old, very large (approx 400lbs) in a wheelchair. She and some family members were staying in a non smoking room with two beds. They were here for about three nights. They didn't want housekeeping the entire time- so gross for them, good for housekeeping. The housekeepers on 2nd floor would find sheets missing off their cards while they were on break.

Housekeeping was checking the halls for linens from stayovers and came across a plastic bag of our sheets tied up and placed outside that room The housekeeping girl brought the bag downstairs and began to pull the sheets out, only to make a horrible discovery. The sheets were covered in shit. The housekeeping girl bellyached until the Head of Housekeeping decided to just throw them away.

Well, the large woman checked out. Nothing was said. Housekeeping gets into the room.. Oh man, it was terrible. There was poop EVERYWHERE. (I was off that day, but housekeeping described it to me so I will tell you exactly how it was described to me. Hehe.)

"There was shit EVERYWHERE, Anonymous!! There was shit in the bed, on the bed, beside the bed. (continue the in, on and beside for every item in the room)"

It was like the woman was a shit grenade.

The best part is that one of the desk staff promised them a suite next time they returned. Yeah, they're so not getting that.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Phone Calls - 4

So I was just in the bathroom and the phone rings.

Anon: Ugh. Great.
Anon: *gives spiel*
Guy: Uh-oh! I'm sorry! I have the number! Sorry sorry sorry! *rambles*
Anon: Oh. It's all good dude.
Guy: Sorry! I'm just really horny!
Anon: Ewwwww.

The most annoying guest I've ever dealt with..

Every business has "regulars," hospitality included. Most of our regulars will stay here for a business week and going back to their homes on the weekends. This tale is about a guest who has truly got under my skin.

This guest worked for a power company with a crew of men. Their job was to put up power lines. One of the guys I guess decided to take a liking to me. He showed this by never leaving me alone. Ever. He didn't bother me at first, I just dismissed him as a chatty guest. He was an old guy, in his 60's that seemed lonely and wanted to talk about the good old days. I was alright with that, I get talky guests every so often. Well, more often than not. Everything was fine until he decided to request something from me. That request was to wake him up every morning by going into his room, bringing him a cup of coffee and giving him a small nudge on the shoulder. I just laughed it off and went on with my day thinking all was fine until he asked again the next day. And the day after that. That continued on for almost a month. When he would make his stupid request I would reply with "The maintenance man will do it for you." (The maintenance man is an older guy also.) Or "The breakfast bar lady will." (The breakfast bar lady is 81.) When I would respond with that his face would turn all red and he would giggle and say "Noooo, it has to be you!" ... Perverted much? He followed me around like a lost puppy, even outside when I'd take a cigarette break.. He did not smoke mind you.

He eventually stopped with his creepy request but not before trying to touch me. I was walking around the lobby and he comes up to me so I ask him what happened to his crew (They leave before he does.) I asked if they leave without him because they don't like him. He then starts off with "THEY DON'T LIKE ME NO ONE LIKES ME I NEED A HUG" then reaches to me to hug me. I stammer with "I need to talk to the breakfast bar lady!" and book it across the lobby.

After these incidents he really begins to irritate me.. He is hanging off the desk every single morning and always asks how I am. I reply with "Tired." in hopes that the answer will make it go away. It does not work. In his mind I think that he believes I am not allowed to be tired ever, even though I work all night and he sees me at the end of my shift. I also believe he thinks that I was put on this planet to provide entertainment for him. He will stand at my desk looking like shit every morning (eyes all red, hair uncombed and just crappy looking) waiting for me to make conversation. I'm sorry, that's not part of my job description.

One morning he came up to the desk to annoy the hell out of me.. The scene went like so:

Me wrist deep in paperwork.
Old Guy hanging off the desk: Whats the weather today?
Me: I'm sorry, I haven't had a chance to watch it yet but if you turn around the forecast is on the tv right now.
Me: Well, so be it, sir.

Later on in the evening he came into the hotel around 11pm (Mind you he gets up at 5:30am). I was BS'ing with a guest and Old Guy stomps into the breakfast bar, then to the lobby. He says in the whiniest voice, "I'M HUUUUNNNGGRRRYYYYY!!" by the tone of his voice he expecting me to instantly drop everything I'm doing, and go back to the kitchen and make him food despite it not being within the operating hours for the breakfast bar. I told him that Mcdonalds and the local gas station were still open. He retorted with "I knew you'd say that!" I then asked him if he was psychic- to which he said "No. I knew you'd say that just like I knew you'd tell me to turn my head around this morning." I told him I was sorry and that I would have known the weather that morning but people kept talking to me and I didn't get a chance to watch it. He got an offended expression, said it was nice talking to me then went off to bed. He let me alone for the rest of the week! It was the best week ever.

That week of awesome went by quickly and Old Guy resumed his duty of hanging off the desk. Tuesday morning my fiance came in to keep me company. I was hoping his presence would keep Old Guy away. The A shift came in early to relieve me as I was not feeling well. She was talking to my Fiance and the executive housekeeper and Old Guy as I was running around collecting my belongings. I heard the A shift carrying on loudly about my engagement as I was in the back room- I really wish I could have been out there to see Old Guy's reaction. My fiance told me about it after work and it just.. made all the crap I've gone through worth it. It wasn't anything drastic.. Just a subtle change in expression.

I should probably tell you he expression that he always has whenever at the desk- ever go to a strip club and see the one old guy who you know hasn't seen any action in years in front of some young chick shaking her goods? Ever notice outer parts of their eyebrows are always raised and they have that creepy perv grin? That expression of "Ooh! She's going to invite me in the back room and give me a happy ending!" Yeah, that's the expression Old Guy has every time he's at the desk.

The A shift goes on about my engagement and Old Guy takes a step back from the desk and tilts his head down, staring at the ground. His eyebrows relaxed- he went from an expression of "EHEHEHEHEHE EVERY WOMAN WANTS ME" to "I'm a sad old man" Booyah. I won.

The last two nights of his stay, after he found out I was engaged- he started showing up at the desk at around 1am (mind you he gets up at 5:30am. I know this because I have to double check that wake-up call every night.) The first night he showed up he decided to tell me about how the waitresses at a local restaurant recommended a bar for him. I shut down the conversation by telling him I couldn't be paid enough to drink in this sorry town. He got that same offended look and went to bed. He didn't speak to me at all in the morning. Score!

The final night he stopped at the desk briefly to tell me he had been up drinking (Like I should be impressed?) and made a joke about "no rest for the wicked." - I told him "Why do you think I'm always up?" He asked me to change his wake-up call to 6am. He showed up in the lobby in his pajamas. How trashy is that? He got coffee and just groaned around looking like crap and scratching himself. How classy. The A shift showed up so I pretended to look busy when he came up, went into the back room for a bit and then booked it out of the hotel without having to say good bye to the jerk. I hope I never see his wrinkled face ever again.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Nothing gold can stay.

Well, my FOM just quit/fired (probably quit.)... Man, this sucks.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Is it really necessary..?

To have six pots of coffee out in a tiny hotel?

Monday, March 23, 2009

Is it that hard to not be terrible? Or retarded?

The as a guest is used for when I go to stores/hotels/etc.. so yeah.

I went to a diner.. a famous chain that's everywhere.. I work somewhat in the service industry and I'm pretty fucking awesome. I hate shitty service. I'm sure you guys hate shitty service also.. I just want to know why it is so fucking hard for some people to be nice- or not as much of a jerk even.

This particular experience.. my waitress happened to be a retard. Great. My fiance and I walked into the restaurant and saw her. We both had a moment of "Oh dear your god, please don't let her be our waitress." ... I think your god hates me. Because she was our waitress. Before she even gave us menus she stopped by the table and told we would need to wait because she has another table. One thing I've learned in hospitality is it's not what you say to someone, it's how you say it. And she said that little bit like we were the banes of her existence. Another waitress saw and actually came over and apologized about the retarded one.

We eventually got through the ordering process and all that shit. Just the idea of that waitress being around food sickens me- She was the type of tard that probably keeps her hands between her butt cheeks when not in use.

She also came up to the table about nine thousand times. Easily. "Is everything okay?" "How is everything?" "You guys doing okay?" When I eat, I want to be left alone. And I hate that waitress super ability to come over and ask you a question after you take a bite of mythic proportions.

It came time to tip. I left her a buck. I went up to pay with my debit card and there were people waiting to be seated. The waitress comes up, looks at me, looks at them, looks at me again.. Like she's a fucking deer in the headlights. I got kinda mad and told her to seat them first then take care of me. She then waddles back over to take care of me. She probably sat them, acted like their business doesn't matter and told them she needed to take care of me first. Fuck that shit. I go to tally the tip and total at the bottom of the bill- I left her a buck at the table (I usually tip well, but.. Yeah.) I X'ed out the tip slot and just put the total. She looks at the bill, sighs, and says to herself "No tip" in a sadsack tone. Wtf. I was starting to channel my inner loud, proud, large black woman but quickly calmed myself. I mean- you just don't do that shit. Manners, much?

I'm still throwing the idea around of calling their manager and speaking to them about her behavior- what do you think, guys?

... Fucking retards.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I think you need to be demoted to a sippy cup.

An old lady was getting coffee and walked over to help her self to a cookie or twelve and somehow dropped her cup of coffee. It went everywhere, or at least all over the floor. The old lady said something along the lines of "WHOOPSADAISY" so freakin' loud and just stood there like a small child that just shat itself and stared at me. All would have been forgiven if she would have came up to the desk quietly and said she had spilled a cup of coffee. Bonus points if she would have asked for something to clean it up with herself. But no. She stared at me waiting for me to magic the spill away. Hag.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009



*wipes tear from eye* ... So much win.

So in the breakfast bar area of the hotel there is a tiny fridge full of refrigerated treats (yogurt, milk, etc) and this tiny fridge is to remained locked at any time that is not breakfast time. A favorite past time of mine is watching guests walk around in the middle of the night and try to scavenge for some free food like the vultures they are. They will first hover around the coffee station and them make their way down the long counter, first pressing the buttons on the juice machine. The juice machine is turned off at any time that is not breakfast time. The guest will then walk on past the silverware, toasters, etc until they arrive at the fridge. Which they always try to open. Atleast twice. And I will stand behind the desk watching them fail. No one has ever asked me to for food after trying to open that locked refrigerator.

Monday, March 16, 2009

.. Really?

So I had my vacation- it was pure awesome. I finally got to see my friends, very awesome. I saw watchmen! Supremely awesome! And I slept like all night/day before work! Also awesome. I read the log book for the past couple days.. I was hoping something terrible would have happened (A full moon and Friday the 13th) but it seems everything was very nicey nice during my time off.

So anyway, I get back into work, I had my last arrival calling for directions every five minutes. If you listen to my directions it's actually very easy to get to us. But he was a kooky indian dude so.. yeah. 20minutes after he got off the exit (which I can see from the front door of my hotel) he finally arrives. I was in a fantastic mood so he got the star treatment.

About a half hour later I have this weird guy, in his 20's, come in. He had the voice of Peter Brady in the puberty voice changing episode. He had asked if I saw a guy.. He then described the guy- bearded.. oh wait, not full beard, he has a goatee now.. wearing a fleece.. and he is big. The weird guy even had to throw his shoulders forward to indicate a large dude.

I stood there thinking to myself, "Wtf. When did we become twelve?!"

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

All apologies!

Hey kids,

Sorry I've been neglecting you! I am a terrible parent! Hotel world has been absolutely crazy as of late and your dear Anon has been incredibly stressed out. If all works out- I shall have some vacation time next week. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Fucking delicious.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Phone Calls 3

his is possibly one of my most favorite stories.. Whenever guests ask me for an amusing story- this is usually the one I will tell. Well, one night my phone rang and it was an elderly woman asking if we had a restaurant in the hotel (which we do not.) I told her that we did not, but we do have a breakfast bar and I told her the hours. That was not good enough for her, she then asked for the names of other restaurants in the area and the distances in blocks. The area my hotel is in is quite rural and not in a block type set-up. I suggested my favorite mexican restaurant to her, which is up the road from my hotel. The woman's response to being recommended a mexican restaurant was to start yelling in to the phone. Here is what she yelled: "MEXICAN?! I'M NOT MEXICAN! I WA
S BORN IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." It was that night I learned that I am not an american citizen for enjoying a mexican restaurant. Weird. She also had one more little tidbit of joy- "AND WE AMERICANS ARE NOT USED TO THAT KIND OF CUISINE" ... I just stood there with the phone held away from my ear. It took everything inside me not to laugh at her. I wished her a good night and that we would see her on her day of arrival.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The hallway is not a toilet.

This did not happen to me, but to one of our auditors past. The story makes me LOL so freakin' hard that I have to share it with you . This happened last winter, the previous Auditor was delivering folios one night around 2:30-3am when she came across.. Well, a pile of poop in the hallway between rooms 124 and 125. From the previous Auditor's fecal observation skills, she concluded it fell from a human butt. Anyway she totally put a towel over it and a wet floor sign and left it for the maintenance man to clean up. LOL. I laughed so hard my eyes watered a little when she told me. She even made a log-book entry which I like to share with our treasured regular guests because they don't believe me. So yeah. That is one of my handful of poop stories.

Post Script - The previous Auditor and one of the B-shift girls are convinced the pooper was this not-all-there Canadian gentleman that had checked in earlier that night.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I guess this was an emergency!

Okay, so I'm sure it is common that you dial 911 for emergencies only.. Apparently that instruction must have started after this gentleman was out of school.

July 3rd a gentleman in my hotel dialed 911.. I know this because whenever the three digits of doom are dialed- the desk knows about it- by means of every piece of equipment screaming shrilly. We got a hold of the room via telephone only to find everything was perfectly fine. His wife answered the phone and said her husband was being stupid and dialed 911 to inquire if the fireworks display for the 4th were going to be canceled due to rain.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Phone Calls 2

Anonymous: Thank you for calling the ____ in ____ this is Anon, how may I direct your call?
Guest: Hey- what all comes in your rooms?
Anonymous: Uh... Beds?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

To the jerk in 307

Dear drunk,

You totally did not make any friends tonight. Taking post-it notes off the desk is -not- cool as they are a main source to communicate between the shifts. Just because your drunken friend has been staying here for work and we know him, and like him, is not an excuse to be a giant ass. That post-it note (later recovered) held information about advance deposit rooms for about 20-some days and the workers occupying them had left early. Combined the rooms have a couple thousand dollars worth of nights left unused. It was also SO MATURE of you to take the phone we have on the desk for guest use to dial 911 from it because you were mad that I scolded you. You are *so* cool, dude. [/sarcasm] I am very happy your asses are leaving on monday.

One very fed-up auditor.

Post Script - Grow the fuck up. This is one of the reasons I seldom drink these days.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Excuse me?

The weather outside is a whole -4 degrees. I don't think the numbers matter anymore once you hit below zero. At about 4:15 AM I had this strange middle-aged guy come out to the lobby. He had a request for me. He wanted me to go outside in the cold and start his car for him because he didn't want to get his tushy cold. He had that "women are subservient creatures to men." Screw him.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Craziest night I've ever had, part deux.

Here is the end of the story.

Lets get caught up:

Crazy Guest (CG) goes kuku bananas and the cops and have to taser his ass.

The entire time the cops are speaking to my GM and I CG is just yelling shit, the officer speaking to us threatened to shoot him in the head if he didn't stfu (shut the fuck up) numerous times.

The two officers went to lift him and of course CG plays jelly-legs and starts mumbling about his "medical condition".. The one officer retorts with "COME ON. HE'S JUST STUPID." (After that statement- I knew I had won.)

Anyway, they take CG out to the car and return saying they could not search his room, but we could collect his belongings.

He was staying in rm 104 (I have no clue who the hell gave him a jacuzzi room but my manager was pissed about it.) ... All I can say is BLEGH. (cue retching noises)

The room was hot as all fuck. I think he was incubating in a crazy nest. He had a sock hanging over the peep-hole.. You know, because people can TOTALLY see into the room through the peep hole. The sink was filled with wet towels. (I wore two sets of plastic gloves, by the way) and the ice bags I gave him monday night.. And for some reason a piece of fucking cheese cake. Just floating in the water, having previously been wrapped up in a hand towel. wtf.

This guy was so paranoid.. His laptop even had a thumbprint scanner. I had no idea how to turn it off so I just unplugged it and threw it in a box. I hope the battery died and caused him to lose whatever. He had receipts from other hotels of the same chain as well.. And we found an ASSLOAD of my GM's business cards. She took them all back.. she didn't want him having her name or the hotel phone number.

His son came by sometime during the next day to pick up his father's belongings. I was told he was deeply embarrassed over the situation. I think that fucking family should have bought us some god damned flowers after what that crazy guy put us through. Or a bottle of rum. Heh. Though CG did call my GM about a week or two later, apologizing about what happened and wanting to know if we were going to sue him.

I think we should have sued him. He endangered at least 40+ people's lives that night.

I forgot to tell you we found atleast 15+ bottles of medication, which I seriously doubt that crazy asshole was taking.


Saturday, February 14, 2009

The craziest night I've ever had!

I finally feel comfortable enough to talk about the craziest night I've ever had in hospitality.

It started on a Monday night.. Everyone was already in house so I just got to piss away 8 hours until this man showed up. He was a middle aged, dumpy looking man in jeans and a white t-shirt. This guy would not let me alone all freakin night. I'm sorry. You have 10 minutes tops. Anything more makes me want to give myself a lobotomy. anyway.. This guy will be referred as Crazy Guy or CG from this point on. CG came up to the desk and one of his first questions for me was "Are you a christian?" (For the record- I am not.) But he asked it in such a way... The kind of way where you didn't want to say no. So I told him "yes, sure, why not" to shut him up. He then talks to me about how the lords light is in he and I and he can feel it and all other usual crazy religion talk you tend to hear on audit shift.

Did I mention he would not let me the fuck alone all night? He also got kinda strange if you didn't make eye contact with him the whole time. I had been warned about him from the B-shift. The B-shift said he was a lonely old man who misses his children. Damnit, B-shift! I will no longer acknowledge your judge in character ever again! He was telling how he loves to tinker with electronics and such, and then asked if we were hiring, alluding to that he wanted to work here and live here and pay for his room with manual labor. Don't you just fucking love guests who try that shit? Blegh.. That may have worked in the 1920's, not 2008. He also told me he had to leave his teenage daughter and wife, because his daughter told a school psychologist that she would kill herself is she had to spend one more night with him in the house. (I now understand her feelings and would probably had done the same if stuck in her sitaution.) He said he had come out here to see his son, but wasn't sure where exactly his son lived. He then painted tales of how awesome his son is- all religious and a minister and fun stuff like that.

There was a note about him in our log book stating that he had medical problems, but when I asked him about such things, he waved his hand as if they didn't exist. As the night progressed he said that his muscles would "lock up" (He had told this to the desk when he first checked in.. so we were on the watch just in case.) He asked for ice bags so he could lay them on his arms and legs. I didn't question, I just wanted him out of my hair. I was finally able to do my audit in peace. At this time our cordless phone was not working, so I had to go without a phone when I had to run folios. I locked up the desk and left. I get back down to the far end of first and hear the phone ringing (uncommon for 3am) so I book it down to the desk. It is CG. He was alarmed that I wasn't at the desk and said he had tried to get back behind the desk. Weeeiiirrddd. Anyway- he came back out, bothered me again, and left at 5am. Finally. I warned the A-shift of what happened and then went home to sleep and come back in Tuesday night.

Oh, Tuesday night. That night was when shit hit the fan. I came in to see the B-shift and my GM sitting behind the desk. Weird. The way our desk is set up is you walk in through the front doors, see the desk on the right.. If you go past the desk there is a hallway that leads down to the high numbers of first floor and the elevator/icemachine/vending/ etc. CG was standing around the corner by the vending machine. I said hello to him and he gave me a look I can only describe as "crazy mad".. If you've ever had someone who is not all there upstairs be upset with you and give you that look of "glowering".. Then you know what I mean.

The B-shift and my GM filled me in about what happened.. I guess he went up to the desk once more to talk to the GM and Exec HK about his "medical problems" saying his legs would lock up and that *We* would have to straighten his limbs out. Tough luck buddy, we're calling fucking 911. We told him we would not touch him, no one was trained to deal with such things. This did not please him. He got a little unhappy and said he hates 911 and police and last time an ambulance came- they threw him on a stretcher and "it hurt". (Poor baby.) He was unhappy with us, my GM more than anyone for whatever reason. That happened around 5pm I guess.. He had gone to his room and then came back with a tale of "someone was in my room" and then asked what the gun laws were for the state. The B shift asked him if he had any firearms with him. He said "yeah, two handguns in my car" At that point my GM knew she wasn't going home tonight.

CG stood around the corner and pouted, The B shift eventually left but not before going all therapist on his ass "Are you on medication? Have you ever thought about being on medication?" ... Don't poke an angry crazy guy. They get even more angry/crazy. An hour goes by, I kill time and work on this stomach ulcer I've started. CG comes out to the desk, says the game is up, he wants to talk to my boss. I get my GM from her office. Then it gets weird.

CG says the most brilliant thing I've heard in a long time: "I may be crazy. But I'm not stupid." Um... yes you are, you bastard. You are pretty stupid. He then claims someone has been in his room, that he sees people and cars inside the hotel. Then he demands we take him to his son. He is also stuck on repeat, saying "this is not a game"... That has become a trigger phrase for me. it cues Vietnam-esque flashbacks of this incident. Haha. He threatens us to take him to his son. He says he'll call his daughter if we don't do what he says. Hah. My GM says she got in contact with his son, and told him his son doesn't want to speak to him. CG doesn't even know he's a grandfather by the way.

Cue me calling two of my large burly male friends to come just in case shit goes down before the cops get here. As I call the police- CG decides then is a fantastic time to start throwing stuff like one of his two cellphones over the desk, a box of tissues and a few other objects. My friends arrive 20mins later. My GM says for me to call them and tell them to hang out outside- because their presence may irritate CG and he may go for his guns. About an hour passes- my GM tells me to go outside, have a cigarette and fill in my friends on what's going on.. To this point they have been oblivious except for the fact that if I need them it is bad news.

I go outside, but keep the desk in view, just in case. I start telling my friends about what's going down, then the cops show up. The cops immediately think my friends are the ones causing trouble. I point to the fat fuck inside, they ask what exactly I want them to do with the guy I start along the tangent of "ARREST HIM, KICK HIM, SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD, GET HIM THE FCUK OUT OF MY HOTEL I DONT CARE"

The cops go inside, I cling to my one friend and smoke a cigarette and go back in to see crazy guy sitting on the floor in cuffs. I get back behind the desk to find out they had to taser CG.. One of the cops was leaning against the desk in disbelief muttering "The taser did nothing!" (Fun fact: it was also the first time they tasered someone). Well, I'm going to finish the story up and give you the cliff notes: they found a knife on his person and two handguns without permits in his car. He left the hotel in cuffs. I'll tell you guys another time about my GM and I having to retrieve his belongings from the room.

To be continued..

Friday, February 13, 2009


With this story I should probably supply some backround information.. I have facial piercings. I used to wear them in at work but decided to have a more "professional" appearance (whatever that means).

A car rolls up under the car port and this large, hairy disgusting beast of a man emerges from the vehicle and lumbers inside. He was clad in sweatpants, a sweater and a wifebeater over the sweater. Upon closer inspection- the sweater was actually just body hair. Ew. He wants a room, easy enough. In the process of checking him in he decides to ask me about my facial piercings. Just small talk, you know- such as how long I've had them, why I have them, if they hurt. I get questioned a lot so it truly doesn't bother me anymore. Well, as long as you ask me about them in a respectful manner. I thought he was done asking about my jewelry but he had one more question for me.. It was "So.. Do you have any other piercings? .. Underneath your clothes?" .. What the hell! Imagine the greasiest, fattest, hairiest bear asking you a question like that. Also imagine yourself as a young woman for shock factor. I gave him a look of disgust and said in a stern voice, as if scolding a child, "Sir. How dare you ask a woman something like that. You do not ask a lady anything like that! Or anyone anything like that! Here are your keys. Goodnight." He looked down, took his keys and slumped away. I didn't hear one peep from him after that.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Phone Calls

Anonymous: Thank you for calling the ____ in ____ this is Anon, how may I direct your call?
Guest: Hey.. I have a question.
Anonymous: Ask away.
Guest: So.. What all can you do in the rooms?
Anonymous: Uh... You can sleep?