It started on a Monday night.. Everyone was already in house so I just got to piss away 8 hours until this man showed up. He was a middle aged, dumpy looking man in jeans and a white t-shirt. This guy would not let me alone all freakin night. I'm sorry. You have 10 minutes tops. Anything more makes me want to give myself a lobotomy. anyway.. This guy will be referred as Crazy Guy or CG from this point on. CG came up to the desk and one of his first questions for me was "Are you a christian?" (For the record- I am not.) But he asked it in such a way... The kind of way where you didn't want to say no. So I told him "yes, sure, why not" to shut him up. He then talks to me about how the lords light is in he and I and he can feel it and all other usual crazy religion talk you tend to hear on audit shift.
Did I mention he would not let me the fuck alone all night? He also got kinda strange if you didn't make eye contact with him the whole time. I had been warned about him from the B-shift. The B-shift said he was a lonely old man who misses his children. Damnit, B-shift! I will no longer acknowledge your judge in character ever again! He was telling how he loves to tinker with electronics and such, and then asked if we were hiring, alluding to that he wanted to work here and live here and pay for his room with manual labor. Don't you just fucking love guests who try that shit? Blegh.. That may have worked in the 1920's, not 2008. He also told me he had to leave his teenage daughter and wife, because his daughter told a school psychologist that she would kill herself is she had to spend one more night with him in the house. (I now understand her feelings and would probably had done the same if stuck in her sitaution.) He said he had come out here to see his son, but wasn't sure where exactly his son lived. He then painted tales of how awesome his son is- all religious and a minister and fun stuff like that.
There was a note about him in our log book stating that he had medical problems, but when I asked him about such things, he waved his hand as if they didn't exist. As the night progressed he said that his muscles would "lock up" (He had told this to the desk when he first checked in.. so we were on the watch just in case.) He asked for ice bags so he could lay them on his arms and legs. I didn't question, I just wanted him out of my hair. I was finally able to do my audit in peace. At this time our cordless phone was not working, so I had to go without a phone when I had to run folios. I locked up the desk and left. I get back down to the far end of first and hear the phone ringing (uncommon for 3am) so I book it down to the desk. It is CG. He was alarmed that I wasn't at the desk and said he had tried to get back behind the desk. Weeeiiirrddd. Anyway- he came back out, bothered me again, and left at 5am. Finally. I warned the A-shift of what happened and then went home to sleep and come back in Tuesday night.
Oh, Tuesday night. That night was when shit hit the fan. I came in to see the B-shift and my GM sitting behind the desk. Weird. The way our desk is set up is you walk in through the front doors, see the desk on the right.. If you go past the desk there is a hallway that leads down to the high numbers of first floor and the elevator/icemachine/vending/ etc. CG was standing around the corner by the vending machine. I said hello to him and he gave me a look I can only describe as "crazy mad".. If you've ever had someone who is not all there upstairs be upset with you and give you that look of "glowering".. Then you know what I mean.
The B-shift and my GM filled me in about what happened.. I guess he went up to the desk once more to talk to the GM and Exec HK about his "medical problems" saying his legs would lock up and that *We* would have to straighten his limbs out. Tough luck buddy, we're calling fucking 911. We told him we would not touch him, no one was trained to deal with such things. This did not please him. He got a little unhappy and said he hates 911 and police and last time an ambulance came- they threw him on a stretcher and "it hurt". (Poor baby.) He was unhappy with us, my GM more than anyone for whatever reason. That happened around 5pm I guess.. He had gone to his room and then came back with a tale of "someone was in my room" and then asked what the gun laws were for the state. The B shift asked him if he had any firearms with him. He said "yeah, two handguns in my car" At that point my GM knew she wasn't going home tonight.
CG stood around the corner and pouted, The B shift eventually left but not before going all therapist on his ass "Are you on medication? Have you ever thought about being on medication?" ... Don't poke an angry crazy guy. They get even more angry/crazy. An hour goes by, I kill time and work on this stomach ulcer I've started. CG comes out to the desk, says the game is up, he wants to talk to my boss. I get my GM from her office. Then it gets weird.
CG says the most brilliant thing I've heard in a long time: "I may be crazy. But I'm not stupid." Um... yes you are, you bastard. You are pretty stupid. He then claims someone has been in his room, that he sees people and cars inside the hotel. Then he demands we take him to his son. He is also stuck on repeat, saying "this is not a game"... That has become a trigger phrase for me. it cues Vietnam-esque flashbacks of this incident. Haha. He threatens us to take him to his son. He says he'll call his daughter if we don't do what he says. Hah. My GM says she got in contact with his son, and told him his son doesn't want to speak to him. CG doesn't even know he's a grandfather by the way.
Cue me calling two of my large burly male friends to come just in case shit goes down before the cops get here. As I call the police- CG decides then is a fantastic time to start throwing stuff like one of his two cellphones over the desk, a box of tissues and a few other objects. My friends arrive 20mins later. My GM says for me to call them and tell them to hang out outside- because their presence may irritate CG and he may go for his guns. About an hour passes- my GM tells me to go outside, have a cigarette and fill in my friends on what's going on.. To this point they have been oblivious except for the fact that if I need them it is bad news.
I go outside, but keep the desk in view, just in case. I start telling my friends about what's going down, then the cops show up. The cops immediately think my friends are the ones causing trouble. I point to the fat fuck inside, they ask what exactly I want them to do with the guy I start along the tangent of "ARREST HIM, KICK HIM, SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD, GET HIM THE FCUK OUT OF MY HOTEL I DONT CARE"
The cops go inside, I cling to my one friend and smoke a cigarette and go back in to see crazy guy sitting on the floor in cuffs. I get back behind the desk to find out they had to taser CG.. One of the cops was leaning against the desk in disbelief muttering "The taser did nothing!" (Fun fact: it was also the first time they tasered someone). Well, I'm going to finish the story up and give you the cliff notes: they found a knife on his person and two handguns without permits in his car. He left the hotel in cuffs. I'll tell you guys another time about my GM and I having to retrieve his belongings from the room.
To be continued..